I've been a bad, bad, blogger

I continue to work out.  I continue to eat the food that fuels my activity.  But I haven't gone near the scale since November.  I'm sure I've gained a few pounds but I believe this is temporary.  My bingeing has become almost non-existent.  But let me take you back a little... Here is a blog post I'd started writing back in October;

A few weeks after I posted last, I realized I should probably find something to write about, but honestly, I felt totally uninspired.  Not because I had gained back any weight (which I really haven't, give or take about 3 pounds), but because I wasn't making any real progress. I hadn't lost enough weight, I hadn't lost enough inches.

I realize that I'm tired of fighting.  Mentally exhausted.  I spend so much mental energy thinking about what I should eat, or what I just ate, or why I didn't stop myself from eating this or that.  And I'm bitter.  I get so angry when I see other's who 'look' like they're having an easier time getting fit and staying focused.  I feel like I put forth so much effort in to what I feel has been a healthy lifestyle and I am flat out PISSED OFF that I haven't even seen the slightest change in my body since May. Sometimes I want to imitate one of my two-year-old's tantrums and just lay face down on the floor with my hands covering my head and wail. I look in the mirror with disgust, wishing there was some way I could just trade bodies with a skinny girl (with a flat stomach) for just one day. 

Yet, I keep it all to myself.

I don't rant, I don't post negative responses to people's success stories.  It would be so easy for me to point the finger at everyone else.  "Oh, she was lucky, oh, he had good genes", etc.  But I don't, because although I am dissatisfied with where I am on my weight loss journey, I dislike "haters" even more.  I dislike those people who blame everyone else for their problems.  So when these emotions hit me (and they do - not for weeks or even days at a time, but for minutes EVERY DAY) I try to counteracct them with truth. I know the truth.  It's all my fault.

I'll say it again.  It's all. My. Fault.

 Use this analogy; if losing weight is like swimming laps, then maintaining/plateauing is like treading water, and gaining weight is like sinking. Since May, all I've been doing is treading water, and maybe doing a little teeny tiny bit of dog-paddle. Exercising? No problem at all.  I jogged / walked a 5K in July and survived despite a horribly hot day and mass traffic.  I travelled several times this summer, even to Hawaii and still found time to get some activity in, both structured (circuits,etc) or un-structured activity, like kayaking, snorkeling and walking on the beach.  I ate for sure, definitely more than I should have, but not as bad as I would have before.  I just let the reigns slip just enough so that I felt like I was working, when in reality I was just doing enough to make myself miserable.  I owned up to that in May - declared my need to get back at it..............and then kept on doing the same stuff!  ARG!

Concerts, long weekends, visiting friends, Hawaii, my birthday - it was an amazing summer for sure.  One of the best I've probably had in years.  And I've been treading that water, staying afloat. I guess it could have been worse.  But is that it?? Is that the best I could have done - to look at my weight on the scale and say it could have been WORSE?  Where was my iron resolve? Where was my ability to choose losing a few more pounds over my desire to bond with my girlfriends, or cut loose and have fun once in a while? My mind was not focused on what I really wanted long-term.

I'm embarrassed that I called myself out on not posting regularly and then I DID IT AGAIN and stopped.  What's worse was that I did the one thing I CANNOT stand when people do to me when making a mistake - avoidance. 



Whew.  I was fired up when I wrote that.  So much so that I saved it to edit later and then refused to read it until now.  When I re-read it, you know what my first thought was? Why the hell am I so hard on myself??  I've just wrapped up one of the best years of my life and I'm bitching about a number on the scale. Really?

This altered thought process begs the question; why am I suddenly not angry anymore?

Because things have (once again) changed.  My perspective has been rocked by one simple realization that has re-set all the pieces of the puzzle, so to speak.

I've been trying to force myself to lose weight because I hate my body.

In addition to all the reading I've done about things like Metabolic Damage and Total Daily Energy Expenditure and Disordered Eating (which I'll get to later), I've been exposed to an amazing group of men & women who are learning to live healthy from a self-love standpoint.  It's a group on Facebook called Eating the Food. (known here on out as ETF)  Moderated by personal trainers and physicians and people recovering from various eating disorders, this group promotes a motto that 'All bodies are good bodies'..  When I realized that I was having a hard time believing that statement, I knew I needed to be in that group. 

Here's a brief list of what I've learned about my own disordered thinking;
1.  I have been trying to force myself to eat too little this whole time.
2.  As a result of trying to maintain a level of calories below my Basal Metabolic Rate (I'll get to that later), I feel guilty about getting hungry outside of mealtimes
3.  The guilt leads me to feel helpless about ever reaching a weight loss goal
4.  I then tell myself "F___ it" and end up bingeing.
5.  I get depressed and feel like a failure for a few days, and then the binge lasts a few days
6.  I weigh myself and get even more upset and proceed to stare at my naked self in the mirror, just loathing every cell in my body, wondering how my husband (or any other man) could ever find me attractive.

The people at ETF are all trying to achieve essentially the same thing; eat the food, lift the weights, love yourself.  It's a process for sure but it's a better influence than what I've been exposed to in the fitness industry, probably ever.  They don't promote any kind of diet trend.  They just eat because they want to fuel their bodies.  There were no crazy motivational memes posted about not eating dessert on Thanksgiving or any other food for that matter. I suddenly saw that it was possible to take my eyes off the scale and focus on becoming STRONG and LOVING MYSELF.  What a strange concept for me. 

It would take hours for me to explain what I've learned about metabolism and body re-comp so I'll end it here for now.  I'll explain more soon.  I'm excited again. 

 

Where have I Been?

Wow.  I've been gone for awhile. Oops.

My intentions were good at first.  I had some great ideas for a few entries and then...... I fell off the wagon.  Pretty hard.  I'm not 100% sure what caused it; probably frustration when my next deadline for my 199 lb goal came around and my weight hadn't budged?  Maybe the cupcakes I made for my son's 2nd birthday led to a week long binge? Traveling and a new job led to improper meal planning and compulsive snacking? Whatever the cause, my weight fluctuated by about 3 pounds up until this week. I've finally made progress and I'm now only 6 pounds away from this goal, not 8.

To be quite honest, this 'episode' hasn't caused that much damage.  Not like the ones before it.  For example, last year when Paul started this new job 3 hours away and we hadn't moved yet, I fell off the wagon and gained 10 pounds in about 3 months. Or when I quit smoking back in 2007, I gained about 20 pounds in a very short amount of time.  So yea, in the grand scheme of things, barely losing weight since May isn't the worst thing in the world.  I just need to discipline myself better from here on out, and faster!

So what's different now?  Awareness. I've become aware that usually around 90 days after I begin a new regimen I go though a rebellion and the idea of eating healthy disciplining myself not to eat crap food absolutely does not appeal to me.  I start wanting to cook unhealthy food (red velvet cupcakes anyone?) or  - and here's a big one - I want to celebrate with my friends.  Celebrating means being happy and having fun, who has fun while they're trying to change their diet permanently? Tapas? sure! Mojitos? Bring it. Clove cigars? Why not.  I'm partying!

*headdesk*

My lack of balance in this area of my life definitely needs work.  One day I will be able to go out at night, 'eat drink and be merry' and then STOP the next day.  I went to the beach with my friends last weekend and did better than I have in the past, but again, I need work.

I've also become aware that I am a compulsive eater.  I need to just accept this as a real issue.  If my son doesn't want to finish his dinner, I feel like I need to eat a bite (or two, or ten) or give it to the dogs.  Or save it for him for the next day. I CANNOT throw it out.  If Paul is eating a late night snack, suddenly I feel like I should have one too.  If I'm antsy, if I'm waiting on someone, I've caught myself munching on handfuls of almonds and raisins.  When I make Grayson's lunch for pre-school I've caught myself sneaking nibbles of sandwich supplies.  I think a good portion of what I overeat is consumed in this fashion, and that's SCARY.  I've started researching techniques to break this habit, and trying to be more aware of how much I do it, so this won't be an issue any more. Again, I need work!

Part of me, let's call her The Weakling, is rolling her eyes with her arms crossed, thinking "Yay, more freaking obstacles."  The other part of me, let's call her the Drill Instructor,  is smacking the Weakling on the back of the head saying "Stop whining. It's a badge of honor. Get back to work."

"Fall down seven times, get up eight."

1st Goal Deadline

Saturday was my goal to reach 199 lbs.  I missed that goal by about 8 pounds.  

Technically, I failed.  But I’m not upset.  Here’s why;

I’m not afraid to re-set my goal.  This wasn’t my only chance to ever get down to this weight! There’s no 11^th Commandment saying “Thou Shalt Not Try Again.”  I think people get frustrated and give up on their goals and dreams because they think they’ve only got one chance to succeed.  That is simply untrue.  When we observe someone who is successful , we see only the ‘finished product’ of that person - after the struggles, after the rejection, and after they gathered themselves together to keep going.  For example, did you know that;

-          Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper because his boss said "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas." *

-          Thomas Edison made 1000 failed attempts to make a light bulb.*

-          Jerry Seinfeld was booed off stage the first time he ever did stand-up.*

-          Led Zeppelin picked their name because someone told them their band would ‘sink like a lead balloon’.

Are you getting the idea? (* see other stories here)

Somone who has never really attempted anything in life  may tell you that the opposite of success is failure. That is a big, fat, hairy lie.  If all those people I just listed above had quit at their first failure, there would be no Mickey Mouse.  There would be no electricity!!  American culture would have lost one of its most popular sitcoms, and of course, there would have been no ‘Stairway to Heaven’.  Failure is not the opposite of success - quitting is the opposite of success.  I’m closer now to 199 lbs than I have been in several years.  So what if I I missed my first deadline.  I'll just re-set my goal for May 24, 2013.  Which is also Grayson’s birthday.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes, which is kind of a big deal since I really don’t like sports:

"I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career.  I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." – Michael Jordan

Progress Doesn't Happen Overnight

August 2011, 3 months after my son was born.  240+ lbs, size 24:

2 weeks ago (is a dressing room at Ross's, when I realized I was a size 16 again (finally, a size I hadn't been in 3 years):

 

Even though these pics are 20 months apart, I'm still happy about the visible difference.  And I'm just getting started.

 

 

“So long as there is breath in me, that long I will persist. For now I know one of the greatest principles on success; if I persist long enough I will win.” – Og Mandino

 

~D~

 



Coming back from Vegas

I love Las Vegas.

I've been there 3 times. Once, when I was 8 (not so much fun).  Then again this last August.  My husband had qualified for this special trip from an incentive at work.  We had a good time, but we didn't drink then so we didn't 'let loose'.

My hubby qualified for it again.  We went a few weeks ago.  It was so much better this time.

 

Our view from the balcony

For starters, we had more money to spend.  Everything in Vegas is 'a la carte,' therefore you are forced to spend more money.  We stayed at the Cosmopolitan on the Strip these last 2 visits, and even in a nice place like that, you have to pay to use their gym!  Incredible.

Second, we had more people to hang out with! On our August visit, Paul was still an Account Manager and we only knew one other couple that was there.  This time Paul was working as a Sales Manager and three of his sellers (and his boss) were also there.

Third, we had recently started drinking again.  Seven years ago Paul had stopped drinking because he could get a little out of control.  I followed suit a few months later in support of his decision.  This past year we've decided that we (really him, but I say 'we' because we are a team) have grown past that immature phase on life and we decided not to totally abstain from alcohol, but to enjoy a few drinks now and then with friends.  Paul's been pretty conservative in this regard.  Me? Not so much.  I was never a big drinker before, and I have not in any way been belligerent and out of control, but I was definitely enjoying myself on this trip.

That brings me to the purpose of this post.  Not to brag about our trip, but to describe what it felt like to enjoy myself but no go completely haywire.  Did I eat a lot? Yes, but I didn't stuff myself every time (just the last meal, breakfast before we returned).

We ate French Food (yum). 

We ate at Gordon Ramsay's new restaunt Burgr.  Who has ever had mango chutney on a hamburger?? This gal! 

 

 

And we even ate at a Brazilian Steakhouse! OMG, the salmon was killer. 

What I didn't do was force myself to eat more to 'get my money's worth' like I would have done (and I did do last visit, at the Bellagio).  I ate rich food, enjoyed it, and didn't eat again till I was hungry later.  I only had one plate at the Brazilian Steakhouse, and I didn't even try all the meats they had. 

You know what? I still had fun!   I danced, I drank, I socialized, I even smoked some clove cigarettes while I drank and socialized. 
(SN; my friend Jessica turned me on to a low-cal way to get yo' drink on;  Grey Goose Vodka w/ soda, then add a shot of Miio to it for a sweet and fruity kick.  70 calories per drink, beats a Sex on the Beach for 200!)

I still fit in exercise at their facility (which is very posh, of course!  Their elliptical machines could bring up Facebook and You-Tube)

 I did a lot of walking on the strip, I got some sleep and even had a massage. I kept in touch with my trainer to get his approval on my workout.  I actually did 4 rounds of this workout, at his encouragement.  And apparently I was "Wall-Sit Girl" after 11:30 the first night.  Good times.

Needless to say I was sad when I came back to 'normal' life.  I also felt sluggish and (for lack of a better word) clogged.  I considered doing a 24 hour juice fast to clean my system out and give my liver a break but I soon remembered that 1) I don't have a juicer or the means to get the one I really wanted, and 2) I am an absolute nightmare to live with when I'm fasting and I didn't want to traumatize our son.  So then I thought about going all raw for a day but I didn't have all the food on hand.  So I settled for a wheat-, meat-, and dairy-free day instead, nice and vegan. 

 My lunch; salad and sushi.  I added sundried tomato tofu and chickpeas to the salad for protein, and the sushi was brown rice & veggie

My dinner, sweet potato, kale and quinoa 

Bedtime snack: carrots w/ hummus, strawberries and almond milk

 

The only exception I made was to add one scoop of whey protein powder to my morning smoothie,  I felt amazing the next day.  My appetite was under control and my energy level was back to normal.  I'd only gained a pound from our trip and that was gone within a few days of returning. 

Most importantly, I went back to working towards my goal.

~D~

March in Review

“People are always blaming circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get ahead in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.”
~George Bernard Shaw~


Weight lost in the last 30 days; 4.4 lbs
Inches lost in the last 30 days; 3.75 inches

It's always so easy to move forward when things in life are going according to plan.  The real challenge comes along when circumstances are less than ideal.  We need to remain flexible, we need to be able to bend those less-than-perfect situations back in the right direction so we can continue on.  For weight loss, there is always something that comes up and attempts to throw us off our meal plan or exercise schedule; a holiday celebration, or a vacation, a birthday, family coming to visit, etc.  In my case, this month we were challenged with hormones, travelling and germs.  Still, I had a few small victories.

Around the middle of the month I took my son to Maryland with me to visit my family while I was fighting off a head cold.  It was Friday evening, we were starving, and I broke my rule (no eating in the car) and gave him some crackers to tide him over.  We were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic and I guess the stop-and-go motion must have gotten to him because I looked back and he vomited all over himself.  And I was trapped! With nowhere to go because traffic wasn't moving.  It took about 15 minutes before I could even get across the 4 lanes of traffic to pull over and clean him up.  He was so upset, I was upset, we were tired and starving (still, even after the puking), and still had about 30 minutes till we could get to my mother's.  If this was 6 months ago (ok, 3 months ago) I would have told myself  "Just get something quick for dinner, you've had a rough evening, you can give yourself the night off of eating healthy." I would have then proceeded to stock up on whatever my unhealthy comfort foods were (most likely Roy Rogers since we don't have any here) and then felt guilty about it for the rest of the night. 

But this was not 3 months ago. 

When I got to my mom's house they wanted to go out to dinner.  Since I had a child with puke stains on him, I declined and sent them on without us.  I gave Grayson his bath and a snack, then started rummaging in Mom's fridge and pantry to find a healthy option for dinner.  I knew I needed to think this though since we were going out to dinner the following night and lunch the following day.  I ended up with sauteed kale and an individual pot-roast from Schwan's.  I wasn't too thrilled with the pot-roast because it was so salty, but it was a better option than a Gold Rush Chicken Sandwich from Roy's!  As for the rest of the weekend, I studied the menus of the restaurants like I was going to be tested on them.  I did better than I thought.  But my head cold had progressed and I missed my Saturday workout and slept most of the day on Sunday.  I came home with new motivation.

Grayson then got sick, which meant no sleep for mommy and daddy, but we didn't miss a workout.  Then I got sick again. I rested and missed a workout.  My weight loss slowed.  Then PMS rolled around. I've been off the pill since August, and this time PMS has been about 3 times as bad as it once was. Nevertheless, I got back in the gym, kept my water intake high, but I felt like if I didn't have a cheeseburger soon someone was going to get hurt.  So finally, two days ago I caved.  I got it out of my system and I feel better, but the results are on the scale.  I've fallen behind.

I'm not writing all this to complain.  I know that 4 pounds lost is still 4 pounds lost.  I'm still headed in the right direction, even if I'm inching my way slowly.  I've been able to recognize bad habits and attempt to change them before I get carried away. I've broken my chip habit, stopped drinking all diet soda / artificial sweeteners, and upped my water intake.  I'm still going. I can't give up anymore.

“A difficult time can be more readily endured if we retain the conviction that our existence holds a purpose – a cause to pursue, a person to love, a goal to achieve.”
- John Maxwell

Tools for Success

We can't do it alone.

Everyone who has ever succeeded at anything has found and used the tools necessary to accomplish their goal.  These tools can come in many forms; mentors, education, training, supplies, etc.  This support system will help keep us focused when we struggle.

Here are some of my 'tools.'

1. My gym. My home-away-from-home. Granted, I can always work out at home, I just choose not to.  I like leaving my house at least once a day. =) And there is so much to do here! There's even a rock-climbing wall. That is definitely on my to-do list.

 



 

2. Small group training.  Perfect for people on a budget that still want a trainer.  3 workouts per week.  Hard workouts too. And friends! We work hard, we have fun, we keep each other motivated.  "Iron sharpens iron." (Sometimes I feel bad for our trainer, working with all these mouthy women heeheehee)

 

 

3.  Fitness Trackers.  I used to use MyFitnessPal, which is a free app and its great for tracking calorie intake and exercise.  I switched to Dotfit recently, which is our fitness tracker available through my gym.  Now my trainer can also see what I'm eating and how much I'm moving.  Talk about living in a glass house!!

 

 

4.  Supplements.  Not everyone can eat a balanced diet every single day.  And with the way food is grown today, it does not have the same nutrient content it did at one time.  I don't use supplements to replace healthy foods, just to fill in the small gaps of nutrients missing from my everyday diet.  I use Nutrilite's Women's Pack, which comes with 4 vitamins that I take everyday (a daily multivitamin, a calcium supplement, a fish oil, and a hair / skin supplement).  I also use Rhodiola before my intense workouts.  I cannot stress how much I love rhodiola.  It's an adaptogenic herb, so it helps with either physical or mental stress.  Love it!  I also recently added some Raspberry Twist Tubes; water additives with glucosamine in them to help with my joints.  Just add one to 16 ounces of water.  Tasty! (I've heard that you should only take glucosamine at night before bed because it could be converted to glucose and burned off as sugar if you day it during active times of the day.)

 

 5.  The Internet!  I love hearing other people's stories on their way to success.  It keeps me inspired. And I love good recipes

Mostly Beautiful

344 Pounds

The Business of Losing Weight

 

Pinterest - tons of great recipes, success quotes and workouts

 

 

 

 

Ask yourself; what are your tools?  What's in your support network?

 

~D~