A few weeks after I posted last, I realized I should probably find something to write about, but honestly, I felt totally uninspired. Not because I had gained back any weight (which I really haven't, give or take about 3 pounds), but because I wasn't making any real progress. I hadn't lost enough weight, I hadn't lost enough inches.
I realize that I'm tired of fighting. Mentally exhausted. I spend so much mental energy thinking about what I should eat, or what I just ate, or why I didn't stop myself from eating this or that. And I'm bitter. I get so angry when I see other's who 'look' like they're having an easier time getting fit and staying focused. I feel like I put forth so much effort in to what I feel has been a healthy lifestyle and I am flat out PISSED OFF that I haven't even seen the slightest change in my body since May. Sometimes I want to imitate one of my two-year-old's tantrums and just lay face down on the floor with my hands covering my head and wail. I look in the mirror with disgust, wishing there was some way I could just trade bodies with a skinny girl (with a flat stomach) for just one day.
Yet, I keep it all to myself.
I don't rant, I don't post negative responses to people's success stories. It would be so easy for me to point the finger at everyone else. "Oh, she was lucky, oh, he had good genes", etc. But I don't, because although I am dissatisfied with where I am on my weight loss journey, I dislike "haters" even more. I dislike those people who blame everyone else for their problems. So when these emotions hit me (and they do - not for weeks or even days at a time, but for minutes EVERY DAY) I try to counteracct them with truth. I know the truth. It's all my fault.
I'll say it again. It's all. My. Fault.
Use this analogy; if losing weight is like swimming laps, then maintaining/plateauing is like treading water, and gaining weight is like sinking. Since May, all I've been doing is treading water, and maybe doing a little teeny tiny bit of dog-paddle. Exercising? No problem at all. I jogged / walked a 5K in July and survived despite a horribly hot day and mass traffic. I travelled several times this summer, even to Hawaii and still found time to get some activity in, both structured (circuits,etc) or un-structured activity, like kayaking, snorkeling and walking on the beach. I ate for sure, definitely more than I should have, but not as bad as I would have before. I just let the reigns slip just enough so that I felt like I was working, when in reality I was just doing enough to make myself miserable. I owned up to that in May - declared my need to get back at it..............and then kept on doing the same stuff! ARG!
Concerts, long weekends, visiting friends, Hawaii, my birthday - it was an amazing summer for sure. One of the best I've probably had in years. And I've been treading that water, staying afloat. I guess it could have been worse. But is that it?? Is that the best I could have done - to look at my weight on the scale and say it could have been WORSE? Where was my iron resolve? Where was my ability to choose losing a few more pounds over my desire to bond with my girlfriends, or cut loose and have fun once in a while? My mind was not focused on what I really wanted long-term.
I'm embarrassed that I called myself out on not posting regularly and then I DID IT AGAIN and stopped. What's worse was that I did the one thing I CANNOT stand when people do to me when making a mistake - avoidance.
Whew. I was fired up when I wrote that. So much so that I saved it to edit later and then refused to read it until now. When I re-read it, you know what my first thought was? Why the hell am I so hard on myself?? I've just wrapped up one of the best years of my life and I'm bitching about a number on the scale. Really?
This altered thought process begs the question; why am I suddenly not angry anymore?
Because things have (once again) changed. My perspective has been rocked by one simple realization that has re-set all the pieces of the puzzle, so to speak.
I've been trying to force myself to lose weight because I hate my body.
In addition to all the reading I've done about things like Metabolic Damage and Total Daily Energy Expenditure and Disordered Eating (which I'll get to later), I've been exposed to an amazing group of men & women who are learning to live healthy from a self-love standpoint. It's a group on Facebook called Eating the Food. (known here on out as ETF) Moderated by personal trainers and physicians and people recovering from various eating disorders, this group promotes a motto that 'All bodies are good bodies'.. When I realized that I was having a hard time believing that statement, I knew I needed to be in that group.
Here's a brief list of what I've learned about my own disordered thinking;
1. I have been trying to force myself to eat too little this whole time.
2. As a result of trying to maintain a level of calories below my Basal Metabolic Rate (I'll get to that later), I feel guilty about getting hungry outside of mealtimes
3. The guilt leads me to feel helpless about ever reaching a weight loss goal
4. I then tell myself "F___ it" and end up bingeing.
5. I get depressed and feel like a failure for a few days, and then the binge lasts a few days
6. I weigh myself and get even more upset and proceed to stare at my naked self in the mirror, just loathing every cell in my body, wondering how my husband (or any other man) could ever find me attractive.
The people at ETF are all trying to achieve essentially the same thing; eat the food, lift the weights, love yourself. It's a process for sure but it's a better influence than what I've been exposed to in the fitness industry, probably ever. They don't promote any kind of diet trend. They just eat because they want to fuel their bodies. There were no crazy motivational memes posted about not eating dessert on Thanksgiving or any other food for that matter. I suddenly saw that it was possible to take my eyes off the scale and focus on becoming STRONG and LOVING MYSELF. What a strange concept for me.
It would take hours for me to explain what I've learned about metabolism and body re-comp so I'll end it here for now. I'll explain more soon. I'm excited again.
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