Oh Baby!

My life went a little haywire for a while, in a good way.  My computer crashed in September so I didn't even try to document anything till I got it back a few weeks ago.  My birthday came and I did the appropriate amount of crying in the bathroom, then got over it, got a pedicure and went out with my friends.  I had this depressing feeling the whole day about how I had reached none of my goals in life yet.  It was weird to be gripped by such a feeling again, at least one that was so strong it dragged me into the bathroom at work 6 times in one day to 'boo-hoo' about it.  I was exhausted.  I went to a friends wedding and cried.  I came home and was watching Hook (w/ Robin Williams), and cried.  Robin Williams movies do not make me cry (except maybe for Patch Adams).  And I was still tired all the time.  So I decided I should probably take a test.

Positive!! 

At first I was really relieved to find out that was what could have made my emotions go all over the place. Then I had a mini panic attack, but I was still excited.  Paul was really cute about it.  He didn't jump up or anything, he just smiled and said "Sweet!"  We did the appropriate stuff, went to the doctor, told our families, told our friends, etc.  We had an ultra sound at 8 weeks to determine an actual due date since my cycle had been so messed up after going off the pill in August.  June 16th 2011. Wow, it only took us 3 weeks to get pregnant.  What a blessing.  How humbling! 

Our little embryo at 8 weeks

I must admit, among all the wonderful emotions that come along with finding out you are about to become a parent, the one thing I was not prepared for was a nagging feeling of unworthiness.  I knew plenty of people - good people - that had lost a child or miscarried or struggled for years to get pregnant.  Yet here I was, checkered past and all, able to get pregnant almost right away.  And I never knew for sure if I even wanted kids until about  6 months ago.  But I also know that guilt and shame do not come from God, so I can stick that feeling right back where it belongs.  Not all feelings tell the truth.

The last few months I wanted to start doing one of the various things I had always been afraid of trying.  I thought I'd finally learn how to paint or create some kind of art.  Instead I tackled the bigger, more scarier activity.  I created a person instead.