About to Give up?

I just saw this online and had to share immediatley

February in Review

Weight lost in last 30 days: 7 lbs
Inches lost since last week: 1

I feel pretty good about this month's progress.  I did push my 1st goal back a few weeks though.  After looking at my progress this month I realized 4 weeks to lose another 16 pounds may be a little too much.  I want to make sure what I'm burning is fat and not water or muscle.  So my new goal of being 199 is set for April 27. 

Challenges this month? You bet.  Family visited, I pulled a neck muscle last week, etc.  Life happened!  But I made an interesting observation recently.  I've realized how much "mindless eating" I do.  A bite of Grayson's leftover breakfast here, one Girl Scout cookie there, a few spoonfuls of leftovers as I'm packing them away.  It all adds up, no doubt about it.  As for the Girls Scout cookies.....we never should have even OPENED THE DOOR when they came by.  I'd forgotten all about our order till they showed up last week.  Looking back,  I probably should have just taken them to a homeless shelter or something.  Still, they sit on our credenza. I almost feel like I'm being tested or something.  How long can we ration them out?  How long can I live in the same house with such a sugar-filled, insulin-spiking temptation before I cave in?

I just looked over my food journal app on my phone and did the math.  I failed the test.

Granted, I would have failed MUCH worse if I wasn't attempting to get healthy.  It is quite possible that all 6 boxes would probably be gone by now, between me and my husband.  So I'm wavering between feeling a little relieved and kind of proud of myself, to feeling like I still have no willpower and should have just thrown them in the garbage when those cute little kids left with our check.  I'm tired of mentally beating myself up over the least little slip.  In the past, it always lead to a binge and a lot of me feeling sorry for myself.  But I also want to teach myself that having these things near me doesn't mean I HAVE to eat them.  So I will most likely continue to leave them where they sit, and walk quickly past my credenza for fear that they will jump out of the box, aiming right for my mouth.

Now that February is ending, I'm planning out a few things I'd like to work on in March.  I definitely need to control the mindless eating more.  My idea is simple; I need to be aware of every second while I am handling food. And I need to make sure my water intake is adequate.  I starting tracking the amount of water I was drinking each day and came to the conclusion (duh) that I was probably dehydrated and my body thought it was hungry.  Since I've maintained a minimum of 8 glasses a day, when I do get hungry it's not an all-of-a-sudden, gonna-puke-if-I-don't-eat feeling like it was. And last but not least, I'd like to limit my carb intake in the afternoon / evenings.  Some advice from my trainer was to adopt a more Paleo-like diet, which does not use a lot of simple carbs like breads and pasta, but uses carbs from vegetables.  That will be another topic later I'm sure.

~D~

On the Plate Update

I guess technically I should have called this the "In the Bowl Update" but then it wouldn't rhyme.  =P

This was probably the best salad I've had in awhile and the best use of leftovers I've had in awhile too;

- left over grilled veggies from last night's dinner (6 asparagus spears, 1/4 green pepper, 1/4 onion, 1/2 zuchinni)
- left over grilled shrimp (also from last night) and left over baked cod (from a few nights ago) - 3 oz total
- 2 cups spinach leaves, 1 1/2 cups romaine
- 2 tblsp of goat cheese crumbles
- 2 tblsp of my home-made balsamic dressing*

Including the amount of olive oil I used on the shrimp and fish, and with the dressing, I'm guessing this salad is around 380 calories. I'm definitley going to have to make this again!

* I got the recipe for the balsamic dressing here then I modified it based on my taste preference (less olive oil, more vinegar).  She has a lot of great recipes that I use, even though I usually add meat to them =)

Remember - Eat yo' greens!
~~D~~

Stats

I feel like it's necessary to post some numbers on here;

Age: 32
Height: 5' 3"
Current Weight: 217
Current Dress Size: 18
Beginning Weight (December 2011): 232
Heaviest Weight: 268 (The day my son was born, 5/24/11.  I weighed myself 2 hours after his birth)

Next "Check-Point" Goal Weight: 199
Goal Date: 4/1/13

Ultimate Goal Weight: 135
Ultimate Goal Weight Date: 9/16/13


I've learned to break my goals up in to smaller goals do I don't feel overwhelmed by the 'big picture'.  Hence the "Check Point" Goal set for 4/1.

I'm going to also start posting the amount of inches I lose.  Who knows, maybe I'll even post pictures =)

I have not weight 135 pounds sine my freshman year of High School.

My husband and I have a bet going. If I make my Ultimate Goal Weight before he meets his, he has to take Zumba with me. We haven't decided what my stakes are if he wins.

Journal Entry

I began a journal (which is where the last post came from as well) to document my latest (and hopefully last) weight loss journey.  I should be updating both it and this in real-time from now on.  So here's my last 'catch-up' entry;

. 

1/27/2013 – 2/13/2013

At the end of January I was 222 (again).  Down, up, down, up.  Same-old same-old. 

I was really getting tired of this.

 We are finally moved in to our rental home and I can finally get myself settled and re adjusted to having our family back together.  This needs to be my year!  Even though I've lost all the baby weight, I still need to lose another 87 pounds to reach my goal weight of 135. 

I go to our gym, which is awesome. I meet my trainer for the first time. 

 I don’t believe in coincidenses.  My trainer tells me her story and I can’t help but laugh because it proves to me that God brings people in to our life for a reason.  She was also 32 when she decided to get fit.  She’s fanatical and hard core, which is exactly what I need.  And she teaches small group training, which is exactly what I need.  And she focuses a lot on healthy eating and behavior modification, which is my area of weakness, and is EXACTLY WHAT I NEED.  She said “Anyone can workout for an hour a day, but it’s what you do with the other 23 hours that matter the most.”   Awesome Sauce.

 I love to work out.  I hated sports in school but I could work out alone for hours.  I started when I was 10, with – get this – Richard Simmons Sweating to the Oldies.  When I worked out I felt in control and relaxed.  Even now, if I don’t exercise almost every day I feel terrible.  The problem was that I’d subconsciously overeat as a result.  I would love to claim ignorance  on this but the fact is that I know better.  Knowing really is only half the battle.  I had no self-control.  Had. HAD. I refuse to say I have no self-control.  That’s changing now.

Her 'Get Fit' group is awesome.  The workouts are challenging.  But they are soooooo much fun to do in a group.  I refuse to complain when they get tough.  I’m there to work, not whine.  She has a great Game Face which kinda resembles a Marine Corps Drill Instructor.  I love it, since I can get a little silly when I get excited. It keeps me in check.  But the best part is that we also talk nutrition and we talk about good versus bad decisions.  She uses Facebook too so I can see what she’s eating and how well her other clients are doing.  She truly has a passion for changing lives, and I would refuse to work with anyone less committed.

Then she got promoted. 

Next week another trainer is taking over.  I met him today, I like him.  It’s ok though, I need to remember that it’s more important to remain internally motivated.  I need to get the job done regardless of who is teaching the class.  And besides, this lady needs to be able to grow too.  We don’t grow if we don’t go. 

 I’m learning so much during this journey that I feel the need to share it along the way.  I’m hoping that this will give me a chance to remain accountable.   I know there are others like me that feel stuck.  I want to be accountable to them too.  

The Next Beginning

Fat has followed me all my life.  At least as long as I can remember.  I’m not sure if I realized on my own that I was bigger than most kids or if it was pointed out to me by those closest to me, but either way I always knew I was different-looking.  I do, however, still remember the first time I was ever picked on about my weight.  I was 7, and a group of boys sitting at my lunch table decided it would be good sport.  Some of these same boys continued this like a favorite extra-curricular activity all the way through middle school too.  I wasn’t shocked by what they were saying; I had already come to the conclusion that I was fat, but I still spent that recess crying about what they said. Today, I don’t harbor any bitterness towards them, kids will be kids, but I do refer to these memories on occasion when I need to remind myself that it’s time to conquer what has become the biggest challenge of my life. 

I’ve had several “wake-up’ calls that should have been enough to propel me to the next level of success in my weight-loss journey.   The cruel remarks, the terrible pictures, the urges to avoid social situations like reunions; you name it, I’ve had it done or said to me.  Yet I still fall in to the same rut; I get excited, I try a new program, I lose a few pounds, then I fall off the wagon. “Just one cookie” turns in to a week of poor eating choices. Then I have a few social situations come up and I let the reigns slip a little more and before I know it, I’m back to square one.  Then I give up completely and the weight continues to go up. Once again, I receive a “wake-up call” and the cycle begins again. (I imagine that this pattern is what happens to people with substance abuse problems. I guess we are not so different) I tried dangerous quick-fixes; I did diet pills and attempted to starve myself in middle school.  In ninth grade I discovered that if I smoked a few cigarettes at lunch I wasn’t hungry all afternoon and I could go all day without eating till dinner at night.  This worked well for me because I didn’t like eating in front of my peers for fear of more teasing.  Then when I was at home I gorged.  As I got older, I tried things like Weight Watchers and strange fad diets I’d see on some infomercials.  My attempts would fail and my self-image would always take a beating.  I was very self-conscious in relationships when it came to intimacy as well.  Finally one wake-up call helped me make a little bit of progress; a guy I’d been dating for a year and a half decided to inform me that my weight was an issue.  Aside from all other issues between he and  I, I chose to use that as a time to change.  Cutting out almost all fat from of my diet and working out twice a day, I managed to lose 20 pounds in 2 months.  That relationship ended (thankfully) and I met my husband a few years later.  Paul was totally the opposite of most men I’d dated; he was accepting of me as I was and my weight was never a big deal for him.  However, I’d met a man who liked to eat as much as me.  I always say happiness ads a few pounds and in this case it was about 20 pounds again.  I continued the yo-yo while he was in Iraq and while I was planning our wedding.  Down and up, down and up.  Finally I quit smoking and that did it.  My weight exploded.  In almost 6 years I haven’t weighed less than 200 pounds.  I’m still losing the battle of losing.  

The day Grayson was born, I weight a frightening 268 pounds.  Yikes.  Within a few months, I joined Weight Watchers again and kept up my vigorous exercise routine. I also attempted to eat cleaner and with more whole / super foods.  I had my normal amount of life’s distractions happen; new job, vacations, exam certifications.  But I did manage to weigh in at 212 just after my friend’s wedding in August 2012.  It was a minor success but I still will not look at her wedding pictures.  I did not hit my goal (which at the time was 175 pounds).  In fact, I’d only lost the last 6 pounds in 5 months.  Then my husband got a promotion 3 hours away and we had to move.  So while I was attempting to find tenants for our home and take care of our son, and work part-time,  I assumed I would lose weight just from stress alone.  I thought that if my husband wasn’t around I’d be less tempted to eat the way he did (which was pretty bad).  Wrong and wrong.  I had no one to really be accountable to.  Food became my relaxation after my son went to bed and I was lying to myself about my portions.  By January 2013 I was 222 again.  Down, up, down, up.  Same-old same-old. 

I was really getting tired of this.

I’m now entering a time in my life where I feel more of a sense of urgency than ever. I’m over 30. I’ve had issues with gestational diabetes, and I want to get pregnant again, but I don’t want to put myself or my baby at risk by getting pregnant at this weight. I need to do something. Now.

I need to begin. Again.

 

It's Been a Long Time Coming

Life has happened in the past 18 months.  Mostly good, but always eye-opening in some way for me.  I've had a more specific focus now, and as a result had considered shutting down this entire blog project and starting over.  But that would be too easy for me.  I need my previous posts to remain here because they do emphasize success and family.  Now the rest will be focused on success at one specific thing; Health.

Enjoy.

~D~