Where have I Been?

Wow.  I've been gone for awhile. Oops.

My intentions were good at first.  I had some great ideas for a few entries and then...... I fell off the wagon.  Pretty hard.  I'm not 100% sure what caused it; probably frustration when my next deadline for my 199 lb goal came around and my weight hadn't budged?  Maybe the cupcakes I made for my son's 2nd birthday led to a week long binge? Traveling and a new job led to improper meal planning and compulsive snacking? Whatever the cause, my weight fluctuated by about 3 pounds up until this week. I've finally made progress and I'm now only 6 pounds away from this goal, not 8.

To be quite honest, this 'episode' hasn't caused that much damage.  Not like the ones before it.  For example, last year when Paul started this new job 3 hours away and we hadn't moved yet, I fell off the wagon and gained 10 pounds in about 3 months. Or when I quit smoking back in 2007, I gained about 20 pounds in a very short amount of time.  So yea, in the grand scheme of things, barely losing weight since May isn't the worst thing in the world.  I just need to discipline myself better from here on out, and faster!

So what's different now?  Awareness. I've become aware that usually around 90 days after I begin a new regimen I go though a rebellion and the idea of eating healthy disciplining myself not to eat crap food absolutely does not appeal to me.  I start wanting to cook unhealthy food (red velvet cupcakes anyone?) or  - and here's a big one - I want to celebrate with my friends.  Celebrating means being happy and having fun, who has fun while they're trying to change their diet permanently? Tapas? sure! Mojitos? Bring it. Clove cigars? Why not.  I'm partying!

*headdesk*

My lack of balance in this area of my life definitely needs work.  One day I will be able to go out at night, 'eat drink and be merry' and then STOP the next day.  I went to the beach with my friends last weekend and did better than I have in the past, but again, I need work.

I've also become aware that I am a compulsive eater.  I need to just accept this as a real issue.  If my son doesn't want to finish his dinner, I feel like I need to eat a bite (or two, or ten) or give it to the dogs.  Or save it for him for the next day. I CANNOT throw it out.  If Paul is eating a late night snack, suddenly I feel like I should have one too.  If I'm antsy, if I'm waiting on someone, I've caught myself munching on handfuls of almonds and raisins.  When I make Grayson's lunch for pre-school I've caught myself sneaking nibbles of sandwich supplies.  I think a good portion of what I overeat is consumed in this fashion, and that's SCARY.  I've started researching techniques to break this habit, and trying to be more aware of how much I do it, so this won't be an issue any more. Again, I need work!

Part of me, let's call her The Weakling, is rolling her eyes with her arms crossed, thinking "Yay, more freaking obstacles."  The other part of me, let's call her the Drill Instructor,  is smacking the Weakling on the back of the head saying "Stop whining. It's a badge of honor. Get back to work."

"Fall down seven times, get up eight."

1st Goal Deadline

Saturday was my goal to reach 199 lbs.  I missed that goal by about 8 pounds.  

Technically, I failed.  But I’m not upset.  Here’s why;

I’m not afraid to re-set my goal.  This wasn’t my only chance to ever get down to this weight! There’s no 11^th Commandment saying “Thou Shalt Not Try Again.”  I think people get frustrated and give up on their goals and dreams because they think they’ve only got one chance to succeed.  That is simply untrue.  When we observe someone who is successful , we see only the ‘finished product’ of that person - after the struggles, after the rejection, and after they gathered themselves together to keep going.  For example, did you know that;

-          Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper because his boss said "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas." *

-          Thomas Edison made 1000 failed attempts to make a light bulb.*

-          Jerry Seinfeld was booed off stage the first time he ever did stand-up.*

-          Led Zeppelin picked their name because someone told them their band would ‘sink like a lead balloon’.

Are you getting the idea? (* see other stories here)

Somone who has never really attempted anything in life  may tell you that the opposite of success is failure. That is a big, fat, hairy lie.  If all those people I just listed above had quit at their first failure, there would be no Mickey Mouse.  There would be no electricity!!  American culture would have lost one of its most popular sitcoms, and of course, there would have been no ‘Stairway to Heaven’.  Failure is not the opposite of success - quitting is the opposite of success.  I’m closer now to 199 lbs than I have been in several years.  So what if I I missed my first deadline.  I'll just re-set my goal for May 24, 2013.  Which is also Grayson’s birthday.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes, which is kind of a big deal since I really don’t like sports:

"I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career.  I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." – Michael Jordan

Progress Doesn't Happen Overnight

August 2011, 3 months after my son was born.  240+ lbs, size 24:

2 weeks ago (is a dressing room at Ross's, when I realized I was a size 16 again (finally, a size I hadn't been in 3 years):

 

Even though these pics are 20 months apart, I'm still happy about the visible difference.  And I'm just getting started.

 

 

“So long as there is breath in me, that long I will persist. For now I know one of the greatest principles on success; if I persist long enough I will win.” – Og Mandino

 

~D~

 



Coming back from Vegas

I love Las Vegas.

I've been there 3 times. Once, when I was 8 (not so much fun).  Then again this last August.  My husband had qualified for this special trip from an incentive at work.  We had a good time, but we didn't drink then so we didn't 'let loose'.

My hubby qualified for it again.  We went a few weeks ago.  It was so much better this time.

 

Our view from the balcony

For starters, we had more money to spend.  Everything in Vegas is 'a la carte,' therefore you are forced to spend more money.  We stayed at the Cosmopolitan on the Strip these last 2 visits, and even in a nice place like that, you have to pay to use their gym!  Incredible.

Second, we had more people to hang out with! On our August visit, Paul was still an Account Manager and we only knew one other couple that was there.  This time Paul was working as a Sales Manager and three of his sellers (and his boss) were also there.

Third, we had recently started drinking again.  Seven years ago Paul had stopped drinking because he could get a little out of control.  I followed suit a few months later in support of his decision.  This past year we've decided that we (really him, but I say 'we' because we are a team) have grown past that immature phase on life and we decided not to totally abstain from alcohol, but to enjoy a few drinks now and then with friends.  Paul's been pretty conservative in this regard.  Me? Not so much.  I was never a big drinker before, and I have not in any way been belligerent and out of control, but I was definitely enjoying myself on this trip.

That brings me to the purpose of this post.  Not to brag about our trip, but to describe what it felt like to enjoy myself but no go completely haywire.  Did I eat a lot? Yes, but I didn't stuff myself every time (just the last meal, breakfast before we returned).

We ate French Food (yum). 

We ate at Gordon Ramsay's new restaunt Burgr.  Who has ever had mango chutney on a hamburger?? This gal! 

 

 

And we even ate at a Brazilian Steakhouse! OMG, the salmon was killer. 

What I didn't do was force myself to eat more to 'get my money's worth' like I would have done (and I did do last visit, at the Bellagio).  I ate rich food, enjoyed it, and didn't eat again till I was hungry later.  I only had one plate at the Brazilian Steakhouse, and I didn't even try all the meats they had. 

You know what? I still had fun!   I danced, I drank, I socialized, I even smoked some clove cigarettes while I drank and socialized. 
(SN; my friend Jessica turned me on to a low-cal way to get yo' drink on;  Grey Goose Vodka w/ soda, then add a shot of Miio to it for a sweet and fruity kick.  70 calories per drink, beats a Sex on the Beach for 200!)

I still fit in exercise at their facility (which is very posh, of course!  Their elliptical machines could bring up Facebook and You-Tube)

 I did a lot of walking on the strip, I got some sleep and even had a massage. I kept in touch with my trainer to get his approval on my workout.  I actually did 4 rounds of this workout, at his encouragement.  And apparently I was "Wall-Sit Girl" after 11:30 the first night.  Good times.

Needless to say I was sad when I came back to 'normal' life.  I also felt sluggish and (for lack of a better word) clogged.  I considered doing a 24 hour juice fast to clean my system out and give my liver a break but I soon remembered that 1) I don't have a juicer or the means to get the one I really wanted, and 2) I am an absolute nightmare to live with when I'm fasting and I didn't want to traumatize our son.  So then I thought about going all raw for a day but I didn't have all the food on hand.  So I settled for a wheat-, meat-, and dairy-free day instead, nice and vegan. 

 My lunch; salad and sushi.  I added sundried tomato tofu and chickpeas to the salad for protein, and the sushi was brown rice & veggie

My dinner, sweet potato, kale and quinoa 

Bedtime snack: carrots w/ hummus, strawberries and almond milk

 

The only exception I made was to add one scoop of whey protein powder to my morning smoothie,  I felt amazing the next day.  My appetite was under control and my energy level was back to normal.  I'd only gained a pound from our trip and that was gone within a few days of returning. 

Most importantly, I went back to working towards my goal.

~D~

March in Review

“People are always blaming circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get ahead in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.”
~George Bernard Shaw~


Weight lost in the last 30 days; 4.4 lbs
Inches lost in the last 30 days; 3.75 inches

It's always so easy to move forward when things in life are going according to plan.  The real challenge comes along when circumstances are less than ideal.  We need to remain flexible, we need to be able to bend those less-than-perfect situations back in the right direction so we can continue on.  For weight loss, there is always something that comes up and attempts to throw us off our meal plan or exercise schedule; a holiday celebration, or a vacation, a birthday, family coming to visit, etc.  In my case, this month we were challenged with hormones, travelling and germs.  Still, I had a few small victories.

Around the middle of the month I took my son to Maryland with me to visit my family while I was fighting off a head cold.  It was Friday evening, we were starving, and I broke my rule (no eating in the car) and gave him some crackers to tide him over.  We were stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic and I guess the stop-and-go motion must have gotten to him because I looked back and he vomited all over himself.  And I was trapped! With nowhere to go because traffic wasn't moving.  It took about 15 minutes before I could even get across the 4 lanes of traffic to pull over and clean him up.  He was so upset, I was upset, we were tired and starving (still, even after the puking), and still had about 30 minutes till we could get to my mother's.  If this was 6 months ago (ok, 3 months ago) I would have told myself  "Just get something quick for dinner, you've had a rough evening, you can give yourself the night off of eating healthy." I would have then proceeded to stock up on whatever my unhealthy comfort foods were (most likely Roy Rogers since we don't have any here) and then felt guilty about it for the rest of the night. 

But this was not 3 months ago. 

When I got to my mom's house they wanted to go out to dinner.  Since I had a child with puke stains on him, I declined and sent them on without us.  I gave Grayson his bath and a snack, then started rummaging in Mom's fridge and pantry to find a healthy option for dinner.  I knew I needed to think this though since we were going out to dinner the following night and lunch the following day.  I ended up with sauteed kale and an individual pot-roast from Schwan's.  I wasn't too thrilled with the pot-roast because it was so salty, but it was a better option than a Gold Rush Chicken Sandwich from Roy's!  As for the rest of the weekend, I studied the menus of the restaurants like I was going to be tested on them.  I did better than I thought.  But my head cold had progressed and I missed my Saturday workout and slept most of the day on Sunday.  I came home with new motivation.

Grayson then got sick, which meant no sleep for mommy and daddy, but we didn't miss a workout.  Then I got sick again. I rested and missed a workout.  My weight loss slowed.  Then PMS rolled around. I've been off the pill since August, and this time PMS has been about 3 times as bad as it once was. Nevertheless, I got back in the gym, kept my water intake high, but I felt like if I didn't have a cheeseburger soon someone was going to get hurt.  So finally, two days ago I caved.  I got it out of my system and I feel better, but the results are on the scale.  I've fallen behind.

I'm not writing all this to complain.  I know that 4 pounds lost is still 4 pounds lost.  I'm still headed in the right direction, even if I'm inching my way slowly.  I've been able to recognize bad habits and attempt to change them before I get carried away. I've broken my chip habit, stopped drinking all diet soda / artificial sweeteners, and upped my water intake.  I'm still going. I can't give up anymore.

“A difficult time can be more readily endured if we retain the conviction that our existence holds a purpose – a cause to pursue, a person to love, a goal to achieve.”
- John Maxwell

Tools for Success

We can't do it alone.

Everyone who has ever succeeded at anything has found and used the tools necessary to accomplish their goal.  These tools can come in many forms; mentors, education, training, supplies, etc.  This support system will help keep us focused when we struggle.

Here are some of my 'tools.'

1. My gym. My home-away-from-home. Granted, I can always work out at home, I just choose not to.  I like leaving my house at least once a day. =) And there is so much to do here! There's even a rock-climbing wall. That is definitely on my to-do list.

 



 

2. Small group training.  Perfect for people on a budget that still want a trainer.  3 workouts per week.  Hard workouts too. And friends! We work hard, we have fun, we keep each other motivated.  "Iron sharpens iron." (Sometimes I feel bad for our trainer, working with all these mouthy women heeheehee)

 

 

3.  Fitness Trackers.  I used to use MyFitnessPal, which is a free app and its great for tracking calorie intake and exercise.  I switched to Dotfit recently, which is our fitness tracker available through my gym.  Now my trainer can also see what I'm eating and how much I'm moving.  Talk about living in a glass house!!

 

 

4.  Supplements.  Not everyone can eat a balanced diet every single day.  And with the way food is grown today, it does not have the same nutrient content it did at one time.  I don't use supplements to replace healthy foods, just to fill in the small gaps of nutrients missing from my everyday diet.  I use Nutrilite's Women's Pack, which comes with 4 vitamins that I take everyday (a daily multivitamin, a calcium supplement, a fish oil, and a hair / skin supplement).  I also use Rhodiola before my intense workouts.  I cannot stress how much I love rhodiola.  It's an adaptogenic herb, so it helps with either physical or mental stress.  Love it!  I also recently added some Raspberry Twist Tubes; water additives with glucosamine in them to help with my joints.  Just add one to 16 ounces of water.  Tasty! (I've heard that you should only take glucosamine at night before bed because it could be converted to glucose and burned off as sugar if you day it during active times of the day.)

 

 5.  The Internet!  I love hearing other people's stories on their way to success.  It keeps me inspired. And I love good recipes

Mostly Beautiful

344 Pounds

The Business of Losing Weight

 

Pinterest - tons of great recipes, success quotes and workouts

 

 

 

 

Ask yourself; what are your tools?  What's in your support network?

 

~D~

 

 

 

Good Eats

I've been taking pictures of a lot of my meals.  I also usually send the dinner pics to my trainer.
I find this hysterical now, since it turns out my fellow warrior Wendy has also been photographing and even Tweeting her meals!  Great minds think alike I suppose.

Here's a quick glance at what's been on my plate a lot recently;

Breakfast; One egg w/ 2 whites, one slice of cheese, spinach & salsa (this salsa was home-made leftover from when I made crock-pot enchiladas), 1/2 of a turkey sausage patty and some kind of fruit.  I will say, most days I add a slice of whole wheat toast (with spray butter) and have been eliminating the sausage. 

 

Dinner used to be my failure.  But, since my hubby has been trying to get healthy with me it's been easier for me to cook healthier or introduce a new food / recipe without a lot of marital fallout!  This was baked flounder (olive oil, garlic salt, pepper and parsley) with some awesome and amazing spaghetti squash 'pasta' & veggie bake. So. Good.

Both of these foods were a stretch for my husband but he seemed pretty pleased.  He even took some leftover spaghetti squasj with him for lunch the next day.

 

Grilled Salmon and grilled pineapple, garlicky kale, green beans, corn and red quinoa.  Dinner success.  Best salmon ever!

 

And leftover salmon makes a great wrap for lunch the next day!  Add a little guac and goat cheese and I was in heaven.  This meal kept me full through most of my trip to my mom's that day.

 

Who says eating out can't be healthy? Macaroni Grill has a great Lite Menu.  This was the Sea Bass, with a glass of Moscato. Total was 720 calories (including the wine)

Red Lobster has a great light Lunch Menu too, just stay away from the bread.  The meal alone was only 600 calories.  Yes, definitely stay away from those cheddar biscuits.  That was my downfall here.

 

Overall result from taking pics of my food;  

1.  I need to take better pictures.  Nothing on here looks as yummy as what I see elsewhere online.

2.  This still does not keep me from eating or snacking in between meals.  Don't get me wrong, it's helped keep me in check with the meal itself (and I don't do second helpings) but it hasn't stopped me from eating dessert later, or snagging one or two of those dang cheddar biscuits.

3.  I do kind of like bragging to my trainer about how good my cooking has gotten.  But that kind of misses the point.

 

Will I continue photographing my food?  Probably not now since I feel that the lesson for me has run it's course.  I'll just stick to pictures for new recipes.

 

~D~

 

 

 

 

 

March Goals

I'm so excited! I weigh myself every Friday before my workout, and take my measurements every Thursday afternoon (when I'll probably be at my 'puffiest').  Not only have I lost10 pounds since the end of January but I've lost 2 1/2 inches (overall in various places) in just 2 weeks!

I feel like the 'warm-up' is over.
This means I've lost the weight I gained since August.  Now I can really get to work on the rest!

Short-term goals are good! I've been going over what I want my March goals to be.  Here's what I've got so far;

1.  Break my Baked Chips addiction.  They're just empty calories and I'm not getting any real nutrition out of them.  It's been almost a week since I've had any with my lunch or as a snack.

2.  Drink 8-10 glasses of water a day, minimum.  One of my favorite books on health says that a person should drink one ounce of water for every two pounds of body weight.  So the typical '6-8' glasses really isnt enough.  8-10 probably isnt enough for me yet either.  It's a starting point.

3.  Be one dress size smaller by 3/31.  I'm pretty close now, and this should keep me in line with my next "Check Point" weight of 199 by 4/27. 

4.  Curb my mindless eating.  I track all my food with an app on my phone  so I can see when I'm eating outside of mealtimes.

5.  Get more sleep! I am terrible about going to bed early or even on time and it's been definitley affecting my moods.

Let's make some progress.
~D~

About to Give up?

I just saw this online and had to share immediatley

February in Review

Weight lost in last 30 days: 7 lbs
Inches lost since last week: 1

I feel pretty good about this month's progress.  I did push my 1st goal back a few weeks though.  After looking at my progress this month I realized 4 weeks to lose another 16 pounds may be a little too much.  I want to make sure what I'm burning is fat and not water or muscle.  So my new goal of being 199 is set for April 27. 

Challenges this month? You bet.  Family visited, I pulled a neck muscle last week, etc.  Life happened!  But I made an interesting observation recently.  I've realized how much "mindless eating" I do.  A bite of Grayson's leftover breakfast here, one Girl Scout cookie there, a few spoonfuls of leftovers as I'm packing them away.  It all adds up, no doubt about it.  As for the Girls Scout cookies.....we never should have even OPENED THE DOOR when they came by.  I'd forgotten all about our order till they showed up last week.  Looking back,  I probably should have just taken them to a homeless shelter or something.  Still, they sit on our credenza. I almost feel like I'm being tested or something.  How long can we ration them out?  How long can I live in the same house with such a sugar-filled, insulin-spiking temptation before I cave in?

I just looked over my food journal app on my phone and did the math.  I failed the test.

Granted, I would have failed MUCH worse if I wasn't attempting to get healthy.  It is quite possible that all 6 boxes would probably be gone by now, between me and my husband.  So I'm wavering between feeling a little relieved and kind of proud of myself, to feeling like I still have no willpower and should have just thrown them in the garbage when those cute little kids left with our check.  I'm tired of mentally beating myself up over the least little slip.  In the past, it always lead to a binge and a lot of me feeling sorry for myself.  But I also want to teach myself that having these things near me doesn't mean I HAVE to eat them.  So I will most likely continue to leave them where they sit, and walk quickly past my credenza for fear that they will jump out of the box, aiming right for my mouth.

Now that February is ending, I'm planning out a few things I'd like to work on in March.  I definitely need to control the mindless eating more.  My idea is simple; I need to be aware of every second while I am handling food. And I need to make sure my water intake is adequate.  I starting tracking the amount of water I was drinking each day and came to the conclusion (duh) that I was probably dehydrated and my body thought it was hungry.  Since I've maintained a minimum of 8 glasses a day, when I do get hungry it's not an all-of-a-sudden, gonna-puke-if-I-don't-eat feeling like it was. And last but not least, I'd like to limit my carb intake in the afternoon / evenings.  Some advice from my trainer was to adopt a more Paleo-like diet, which does not use a lot of simple carbs like breads and pasta, but uses carbs from vegetables.  That will be another topic later I'm sure.

~D~

On the Plate Update

I guess technically I should have called this the "In the Bowl Update" but then it wouldn't rhyme.  =P

This was probably the best salad I've had in awhile and the best use of leftovers I've had in awhile too;

- left over grilled veggies from last night's dinner (6 asparagus spears, 1/4 green pepper, 1/4 onion, 1/2 zuchinni)
- left over grilled shrimp (also from last night) and left over baked cod (from a few nights ago) - 3 oz total
- 2 cups spinach leaves, 1 1/2 cups romaine
- 2 tblsp of goat cheese crumbles
- 2 tblsp of my home-made balsamic dressing*

Including the amount of olive oil I used on the shrimp and fish, and with the dressing, I'm guessing this salad is around 380 calories. I'm definitley going to have to make this again!

* I got the recipe for the balsamic dressing here then I modified it based on my taste preference (less olive oil, more vinegar).  She has a lot of great recipes that I use, even though I usually add meat to them =)

Remember - Eat yo' greens!
~~D~~

Stats

I feel like it's necessary to post some numbers on here;

Age: 32
Height: 5' 3"
Current Weight: 217
Current Dress Size: 18
Beginning Weight (December 2011): 232
Heaviest Weight: 268 (The day my son was born, 5/24/11.  I weighed myself 2 hours after his birth)

Next "Check-Point" Goal Weight: 199
Goal Date: 4/1/13

Ultimate Goal Weight: 135
Ultimate Goal Weight Date: 9/16/13


I've learned to break my goals up in to smaller goals do I don't feel overwhelmed by the 'big picture'.  Hence the "Check Point" Goal set for 4/1.

I'm going to also start posting the amount of inches I lose.  Who knows, maybe I'll even post pictures =)

I have not weight 135 pounds sine my freshman year of High School.

My husband and I have a bet going. If I make my Ultimate Goal Weight before he meets his, he has to take Zumba with me. We haven't decided what my stakes are if he wins.

Journal Entry

I began a journal (which is where the last post came from as well) to document my latest (and hopefully last) weight loss journey.  I should be updating both it and this in real-time from now on.  So here's my last 'catch-up' entry;

. 

1/27/2013 – 2/13/2013

At the end of January I was 222 (again).  Down, up, down, up.  Same-old same-old. 

I was really getting tired of this.

 We are finally moved in to our rental home and I can finally get myself settled and re adjusted to having our family back together.  This needs to be my year!  Even though I've lost all the baby weight, I still need to lose another 87 pounds to reach my goal weight of 135. 

I go to our gym, which is awesome. I meet my trainer for the first time. 

 I don’t believe in coincidenses.  My trainer tells me her story and I can’t help but laugh because it proves to me that God brings people in to our life for a reason.  She was also 32 when she decided to get fit.  She’s fanatical and hard core, which is exactly what I need.  And she teaches small group training, which is exactly what I need.  And she focuses a lot on healthy eating and behavior modification, which is my area of weakness, and is EXACTLY WHAT I NEED.  She said “Anyone can workout for an hour a day, but it’s what you do with the other 23 hours that matter the most.”   Awesome Sauce.

 I love to work out.  I hated sports in school but I could work out alone for hours.  I started when I was 10, with – get this – Richard Simmons Sweating to the Oldies.  When I worked out I felt in control and relaxed.  Even now, if I don’t exercise almost every day I feel terrible.  The problem was that I’d subconsciously overeat as a result.  I would love to claim ignorance  on this but the fact is that I know better.  Knowing really is only half the battle.  I had no self-control.  Had. HAD. I refuse to say I have no self-control.  That’s changing now.

Her 'Get Fit' group is awesome.  The workouts are challenging.  But they are soooooo much fun to do in a group.  I refuse to complain when they get tough.  I’m there to work, not whine.  She has a great Game Face which kinda resembles a Marine Corps Drill Instructor.  I love it, since I can get a little silly when I get excited. It keeps me in check.  But the best part is that we also talk nutrition and we talk about good versus bad decisions.  She uses Facebook too so I can see what she’s eating and how well her other clients are doing.  She truly has a passion for changing lives, and I would refuse to work with anyone less committed.

Then she got promoted. 

Next week another trainer is taking over.  I met him today, I like him.  It’s ok though, I need to remember that it’s more important to remain internally motivated.  I need to get the job done regardless of who is teaching the class.  And besides, this lady needs to be able to grow too.  We don’t grow if we don’t go. 

 I’m learning so much during this journey that I feel the need to share it along the way.  I’m hoping that this will give me a chance to remain accountable.   I know there are others like me that feel stuck.  I want to be accountable to them too.  

The Next Beginning

Fat has followed me all my life.  At least as long as I can remember.  I’m not sure if I realized on my own that I was bigger than most kids or if it was pointed out to me by those closest to me, but either way I always knew I was different-looking.  I do, however, still remember the first time I was ever picked on about my weight.  I was 7, and a group of boys sitting at my lunch table decided it would be good sport.  Some of these same boys continued this like a favorite extra-curricular activity all the way through middle school too.  I wasn’t shocked by what they were saying; I had already come to the conclusion that I was fat, but I still spent that recess crying about what they said. Today, I don’t harbor any bitterness towards them, kids will be kids, but I do refer to these memories on occasion when I need to remind myself that it’s time to conquer what has become the biggest challenge of my life. 

I’ve had several “wake-up’ calls that should have been enough to propel me to the next level of success in my weight-loss journey.   The cruel remarks, the terrible pictures, the urges to avoid social situations like reunions; you name it, I’ve had it done or said to me.  Yet I still fall in to the same rut; I get excited, I try a new program, I lose a few pounds, then I fall off the wagon. “Just one cookie” turns in to a week of poor eating choices. Then I have a few social situations come up and I let the reigns slip a little more and before I know it, I’m back to square one.  Then I give up completely and the weight continues to go up. Once again, I receive a “wake-up call” and the cycle begins again. (I imagine that this pattern is what happens to people with substance abuse problems. I guess we are not so different) I tried dangerous quick-fixes; I did diet pills and attempted to starve myself in middle school.  In ninth grade I discovered that if I smoked a few cigarettes at lunch I wasn’t hungry all afternoon and I could go all day without eating till dinner at night.  This worked well for me because I didn’t like eating in front of my peers for fear of more teasing.  Then when I was at home I gorged.  As I got older, I tried things like Weight Watchers and strange fad diets I’d see on some infomercials.  My attempts would fail and my self-image would always take a beating.  I was very self-conscious in relationships when it came to intimacy as well.  Finally one wake-up call helped me make a little bit of progress; a guy I’d been dating for a year and a half decided to inform me that my weight was an issue.  Aside from all other issues between he and  I, I chose to use that as a time to change.  Cutting out almost all fat from of my diet and working out twice a day, I managed to lose 20 pounds in 2 months.  That relationship ended (thankfully) and I met my husband a few years later.  Paul was totally the opposite of most men I’d dated; he was accepting of me as I was and my weight was never a big deal for him.  However, I’d met a man who liked to eat as much as me.  I always say happiness ads a few pounds and in this case it was about 20 pounds again.  I continued the yo-yo while he was in Iraq and while I was planning our wedding.  Down and up, down and up.  Finally I quit smoking and that did it.  My weight exploded.  In almost 6 years I haven’t weighed less than 200 pounds.  I’m still losing the battle of losing.  

The day Grayson was born, I weight a frightening 268 pounds.  Yikes.  Within a few months, I joined Weight Watchers again and kept up my vigorous exercise routine. I also attempted to eat cleaner and with more whole / super foods.  I had my normal amount of life’s distractions happen; new job, vacations, exam certifications.  But I did manage to weigh in at 212 just after my friend’s wedding in August 2012.  It was a minor success but I still will not look at her wedding pictures.  I did not hit my goal (which at the time was 175 pounds).  In fact, I’d only lost the last 6 pounds in 5 months.  Then my husband got a promotion 3 hours away and we had to move.  So while I was attempting to find tenants for our home and take care of our son, and work part-time,  I assumed I would lose weight just from stress alone.  I thought that if my husband wasn’t around I’d be less tempted to eat the way he did (which was pretty bad).  Wrong and wrong.  I had no one to really be accountable to.  Food became my relaxation after my son went to bed and I was lying to myself about my portions.  By January 2013 I was 222 again.  Down, up, down, up.  Same-old same-old. 

I was really getting tired of this.

I’m now entering a time in my life where I feel more of a sense of urgency than ever. I’m over 30. I’ve had issues with gestational diabetes, and I want to get pregnant again, but I don’t want to put myself or my baby at risk by getting pregnant at this weight. I need to do something. Now.

I need to begin. Again.

 

It's Been a Long Time Coming

Life has happened in the past 18 months.  Mostly good, but always eye-opening in some way for me.  I've had a more specific focus now, and as a result had considered shutting down this entire blog project and starting over.  But that would be too easy for me.  I need my previous posts to remain here because they do emphasize success and family.  Now the rest will be focused on success at one specific thing; Health.

Enjoy.

~D~